Tuesday, 30 June 2015

Conjunction

Heart pounding
Waiting for the moment
I'm not ready
Not even nearly
But I'll never be completely
So I wait
And brace myself
In fear and anticipation

It's going to happen
Sooner or later I know it has to happen
The signs are right
The time will come
A moment we have worked so long for
Any moment now
There will be

Magic
Worlds clashing, merging
Unity
So bright that we will all be seen
Contact
Breaking the illusion of separation
For a glorious instant

And we will be changed
Never the same again
Once we know what it's like
To feel real
To be touched
To finally realise
That we are parts of one another
In conjunction

Love and phenomena taken personally,
Winterdragon

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Hang in there

Hang in there
It will only hurt for a while
Just a little bit longer
Then you'll be Legit As Fuck
You will have your way
And in the end they'll all forget
That there ever was another way
You'll feel at ease with the world
And at peace with yourself
It gets easier
And it gets better
So hang in there

Love and transcendence,
Winterdragon

Wednesday, 10 June 2015

Forever


One of my favourite webcomics recently came to an end. Check it out. Also, why would anything be less worthwhile just because it is limited in time? Wouldn't that rather make it more beautiful? Permanence, on the other hand, now that's a scary thing.

Love and transience,
Winterdragon

Tuesday, 19 May 2015

In memoriam

I've been wanting to write to you for ages now, but nothing comes. I've tried, I've thought about what I want to say, I've even taken the time. But ten weeks have passed, and I'm none the nearer to any declaration of anything at all, or even a poetic rant. Other people have written things, and I've wanted to say or write at least something, but pain and grief has had me quite incapacitated. But if I don't get some words down soon I might explode, so here goes. I guess I'm supposed to be respectful and things like that but it doesn't seem feasible, all things considered. I'm left here while you passed on to an unknown place, with words unsaid and a future unshared. There's nothing respectful about that, no matter whose fault it was.

I'm angry, at times. Sometimes at you. Sometimes at myself. Mostly, though, at the world in general, that treated you so cruelly. It's not fair. Neither the way in which you departed or the combination of circumstances that eventually drove you to take your leave. I think about you and choke upon the fact that you're no longer breathing. The fact that I have to go on while you opted out is so heavy to bear that I don't think I'd be able to do it without friends helping me through every single day.

I went to your funeral. It was a bright, sunny day, with a playful spring wind blowing that reminded me of you. I brought you tiny yellow flowers, one for each year you stayed in this world, and a cold lump of darkness inside me for all the uncounted years without you yet to come. A you-shaped hole in the world that is apparent in everything I see and feel. I listened to the priest as he talked about God and heaven and someone I didn't really know. I guess it was you, even though he got your name wrong. I stared at the stained-glass windows and cried and kept thinking that I'd rather have gone to your wedding than to your funeral. I'd rather have married you, if that would have kept you alive. I sang you a song. I guess it sounded okay because some people told me it was beautiful, but of course it was nothing compared to what it would have been like with your voice that always made the hairs on my skin stand up in reverent delight. Anyway, you were otherwise occupied, so I did my best. Felt like someone had to do it. You got a speech too, it was beautiful and true. I hope that if you heard us it was through the wind and the trees or something beautiful like that, because I can't stand the thought of you being trapped forever in a coffin beneath two metres of dirt.

But if you're anywhere at all I don't think that is the place. I saw your body, and it was pretty evident that you didn't have any further use for it. If you have a physical form now I believe it is made out of dreams. There are nights when you're in my arms again, with warm lips and soft fingers and an all-knowing and forgiving smile on your face. I cry while you embrace me, like so many times before. But there'll be no more of that in the real world. No more consoling one another's panic attacks, no more messages with little hearts in them, no more finishing each other's sentences. No more plans and dreams of moving in together, of travelling the world together, of being creative together. I'm left alone to wonder at the million futures now rendered impossible, and to regret everything I didn't do that in hindsight might have prevented this. So what if it's futile? They keep telling me that any amount of wishful thinking won't ever bring you back, but that doesn't keep the thought-feeling-conglomerations of imagined alternate realities from forcing their ways into my mind.

I miss you. A world without you is wrong. I feel alone and scared and I miss the talks we had. I miss the staying up way too late and the midnight baking, the times you would dry your tears to take up a guitar and then transfix me with your words and your voice and your melodies. You would make me feel so seen. We were so different on the surface, but deeper down I wonder if there ever was anyone I could relate to as fundamentally as I could to you. We had been through much the same things, we had felt the same feelings, and even if everything about you was always to the power of ten I saw in you what I could have been. We came close, sometimes so close it freaked us both out, but not close enough. I would've wanted to be there for you, to never let you out of my sight. It would have been worth it, it would have been worth anything, if I could somehow have saved you. Now I won't have to worry about you anymore, because the worst has already happened. It's fucking unreal. Maybe I should have somehow been prepared for it, but it's too absurd. I always had hope for you. Even when you were caught in ever down-winding dark spirals I never doubted that your future would be brighter. That everything would eventually be all right, or at least less overwhelmingly chaotic and miserable.

If you're somehow still aware somewhere, I hope there is peace, at least. Me I'll keep seeing you in every aspect of the world that you ever touched. That is to say, a great deal of my existence. The music we listened to. The Amanda Palmer concert that we both bought tickets to as a surprise to one another. The first time you kissed me, in that Sigur Rós concert in a state of surreal euphoria after 40 hours awake. The parties of mine which you turned from okay to awesome by means of your radiant charm and inclination for crazy post-midnight antics. The food we found in containers, the ice-cream we made from everything we could find in my cupboard, the snails you would go out of your way to save from being trodden to death on the pavement. The times you saw me and backed me up when nobody else did, and when you time and again pointed out the obvious solutions to problems I'd fretted about for years. When you rendered me speechless by telling me I was beautiful while I was busy thinking about you as a social-genius goddess of prettiness. And still it was your mind that was the most beautiful thing about you. How you would spontaneously wax poetical about some douchebag on the subway or your stomach-cramps. How you always insisted on helping people, no matter how little energy you had for yourself. How you would do things just because otherwise nobody would.

And all the things you'll never do now. We won't create the most awesome collective ever of friends living together. I won't come with you as you drive around the world in your flower-painted hippie-bus. I won't know if you'd have laughed at my tasteless jokes about you now being permanently late. We won't meet in New Zealand a second time, and have another round of crazy-awesome adventures. I won't know how you'd react if I'd eventually told you that I love you. But I will (or so I hope) stay in touch with all the amazing people you tied me together with. Even though you've given up your ability to interact with us there is still so much that revolves around you.

I guess you would've wanted me to move on. Some days I feel like I want nothing more than to follow you, but I know that's not a valid option. In a way what you did was cheating, but I intend to play by the rules on this point. Reality will continue to be heavy for a while, but with time I might return to being functional, possibly even creative. I'll never forget you. Hell, I wouldn't be able to even if I wanted to. But I don't. I want to remember everything that is and was you; the hope and despair, the beauty and rage, the chaos and solace. The way you inspired so many of us to be better people.

I love you. I miss you. You'll always continue to be a part of me.

Winterdragon

Friday, 24 April 2015

Nej


Nu tar molnen mark
Jag var förblindad av att solen sken så stark
Men mina ögon kommer alltid le mot dig
Kan det begäras mer av mig?

Nej. Jag finner inga egna ord för det här än.

Winterdragon

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

...


I let myself flow
I swim through my mind back and forth
My soul still sings the song we wrote together
We once had a dream
We had everything
We rode to the end of the world
We rode on searching
We climbed skyscrapers
But they were destroyed
The peace is gone
I lose balance, I fall down
Still, I let myself flow
I swim through my mind
Always returning to the same place
Absolute silence
No words
The best thing God created is a new day

I miss you so much,
Winterdragon

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Vår

Tussilago! Yay!

Titta vad jag hittade under min löptur idag! Våren är definitivt här. Med sol och vind och lycka. Jag kunde inte låta bli att ge ifrån mig ett vårskrik. Jag tycker om årstider!

Och mitt liv går ganska bra just nu. Jag har kul, jag åstadkommer fler saker än jag misslyckas med, och i största allmänhet njuter jag satan av att vara vid liv.

Kärlek och vår,
Winterdragon

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Writings and self-beratings

Sigh. I'm in a particularly angsty period at the moment, triggered by all sorts of stuff that really shouldn't bother me. It makes me useless and unproductive, and the neglecting of chores builds stress which induces further incapacity to get a hold of myself and do something meaningful with my time. Not today, seems to have been the involuntary mantra of the past weeks. I haven't even been blogging, as you might have noticed.

Oh well, enough with the whine! I did accomplish something today. At long last, I finished the second draft of my goddamned book. Success! It is marginally less shitty than the first one, but I am still nervous about having more than a handful of people read it. But never mind that, because I actually sent it to a whole bunch of people who volunteered as beta readers. I'm both dreading and looking forward to the criticism.

My master's thesis is going straight to hell (judging by the panic I feel when I think about it at least). But I'm having greater success in other areas. I wrote a hell of a good poem a couple of weeks ago, and I liked it so much that I signed up for participation in a poetry slam event. So in two weeks I'll be competing, reading poetry in public for the first time ever. Yikes! Still, if I manage to go through with it, it will be a long-held dream come true.

That's it for now. Just had to point out to myself and the world in general that I'm not completely useless, even though I'm undoubtedly failing to prioritise things the way I should.

Love and writing,
Winterdragon

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

This new year

Right then. So the Earth has once again passed that arbitrary point in its orbit which we define as the beginning and the end of a year. The entire event went by without much celebration on my part, since some abstract entity or other saw it fit that I should spend it immersed in a head-cold, fever and all. But oh well, I'm back on my feet now, and thought some reflection might be in order.

Let's start with the year gone by. 2014. Wow. I said last year that 2013 was the best year of my life so far, but 2014 most definitely did top it. Another year of amazement at what life would throw at me, and large parts of it entirely unimagined at the beginning of the year.

New Zealand. New Fucking Zealand. As followers of this blog might have noticed, I spent half of the year in this magical country. Words aren't enough for the happiness and wonder I found in that faraway place, way beyond even my wildest expectations. So many adventures, so much beauty, so much love. Above all: such lovely people! Many amazing friends were made, and I hope to come back and visit them again some day. I will come back, damn it! That land of mountains and birds and forests and volcanoes and plains and sheep feels like home now, as much as Sweden and La Palma.

Some shorter trips were made as well. Kuala Lumpur and Berlin were visited and explored with great delight, also in the company of lovely friends. Studies and research were conducted with overall pretty good results, and to a large degree enjoyed as well. Colliding galaxies, Antarctica, and dwarf spheroidal galaxies, yum. I think I most definitely found a future research topic of interest. Enough progress was made education-wise that I should be able to finish my master's degree within the next half-year if all goes well!

LARPing and roleplaying was done in abundance. Twelve larps and no less than seven gaming conventions, whee! So much fun, and my LARP anxiety is most definitely cured. Well, okay, I still get nervous as hell, but not to the point of avoiding things I really want to do, which is great.

Progress was made on the novel-writing front! Not as much as I had hoped, seeing as I didn't finish the second draft of the first book as I set out to do, and only made it halfway through NaNoWriMo this time. But nonetheless a lot of words were written, and a fair bit of them aren't half bad if I may say so myself. Hopefully I'll get a more stable writing flow going this year. The ambition is to finish the second drafts of both the first and the second book in this trilogy I'm working on, and the first of the third one. Completing NaNoWriMo and VeganMoFo is the plan. I might never learn this 'reasonable ambitions' business thing.

I finally came to terms with and came out with my identity as agender. That was an immense relief, I feel more comfortable with and surer of myself than ever before. There is still a lot of figuring out to be done, and a lot of standing up for myself before friends, relatives and strangers to be struggled through, but it is a start. I think my resolution to stop apologising all the time without thinking might have had something to do with me daring to do this, so mission accomplished there I'd say! It is a great feeling to be determined not to apologise for who I am anymore.

One not-so-great thing was being homeless for five months. Since I'm blessed with a whole bunch of friends who generously opened up their homes for me I never actually had to sleep on the street, but nevertheless not having a place to call my own took its toll on my sanity. It's an ambiguous freedom which leaves one vulnerable. I was forced to learn to trust, which is a good thing, even though it brought a whole bunch of half-suppressed anxieties out into the open. Maintaining habits became really difficult, though, which meant that I didn't exactly treat myself optimally in terms of health.

I've been running throughout the year, but without very much discipline or routine I haven't made any progress in terms of endurance. Forty kilometres is still way beyond what I can manage, although I am pleased to say that ten kilometres hardly poses a problem anymore. In New Zealand I practiced yoga, did a lot of tramping, and tried out fun things like bungee-jumping, skydiving and orienteering, but whatever physical benefits gained from that were mostly lost during the autumn because of a couple of mean cases of flu coupled with lack of continuity. But oh well. I'll give the running another go this year. Maybe I'll even learn how to do a handstand? Fencing, which I love so much, will regrettably have to lie on the shelf for another while due to lack of money.

Another physical thing that I resolve for this year is to avoid eating sugar. I figure it's about time to break this addiction that I have, and I suspect it is dragging down my health in various ways. I've made a deal with myself in which maple syrup and dark chocolate is okay from time to time and in small doses, but otherwise the ambition is to stay as clear away from refined sugar as I possibly can. No way I'm giving up on fruit or vegetables, though; I wouldn't last a week without that. This will be difficult enough as it is, there being so many social pressures around this legally accepted drug. Being a cookie monster is even a part of my identity, for goodness' sake. But I think I'll manage; I've gotten away with weirder things before.

Other things I aspire to do this year include spending less time on Facebook. It has been eating my soul for far too long now, and I'd really like to do actually do something with all that otherwise wasted time. Not buying Christmas gifts is another one. I'm so terribly sick of Christmas and its surrounding commercialism that I might boycott it altogether.

Lastly, I also resolve to try not to get angry at or make fun of people who show ignorance. I think it is a despicable thing to do which discourages learning and makes it harder for someone to admit they were wrong or didn't know about something. It is also something I have noticed in my own behaviour to a large extent, and so I aim to become aware of it and, well, stop it. It is much more fun to educate, after all. This might also make it easier for me to admit when I don't know something.

Oh well. I've been blathering on about my egocentric hopes and memories enough for now. I wish you a happy new year, and good luck with your resolutions if you have any, dear reader!

Love and a new year,
Winterdragon

Sunday, 14 December 2014

A new home

So. I have a home. It's one of those excellent luxuries too often taken for granted. After five months of homelessness I finally have one, and I thoroughly enjoy it. That, and the peace of mind that comes with not having to stress about where to spend the night every single day. Not having to constantly feel like an intruder. Even though I know that I'm welcome to the homes of the friends who have invited me I have this little anxiety-demon on my shoulder that whispers things like “Are you sure you're not being too much of a burden?”. I've had to battle thoughts and feelings of that nature, among others, pretty intensely this autumn. All in all I haven't held together quite as well as I hoped I would, and the people closest to me have had to endure sides of me that I hate and am ashamed of, and that I otherwise mostly manage to conceal.

It hasn't all been bad, though. I've learned a lot about myself under pressure, and I've come closer to people who I might have kept at a distance otherwise. But it is nice to have a sanctuary of my own again. I do love travelling, but after having had indefinite homelessness more or less forced upon me I have to conclude that the nervousness of being completely uprooted prevails over the feeling of freedom in my psyche. In a way you're actually less free without a home, because it makes you dependent upon others in a very palpable way. We all need others alright, but a little bit of independence can be a sweet, sweet thing.

I also love having the ability to offer hospitality again. To have the means to give back to those who have supported me in my time of need, and to give forth to those who have yet to pay it forward. And I really do have a nice place here. It has walls, a ceiling, even a floor! Along with a small kitchen and bathroom that's really all I could ask for, but together with all the worldly possessions of mine that survived one year of mouse-infested storage space, and my sorely-missed cat, it is a twenty-six square metre paradise. A temporary one, yes, but then again so is life itself. I have what I need for now, and that is enough.

Normality is still settling into my mind, and I find great joy in ordinary things such as collecting my mail or taking a book out from a bookshelf. Drowning out the now unfamiliar silence with music or stories. Solitude is a luxury which I'm learning how to savour again. But I'm hardly isolating myself completely. I haven't even lived here for a month, and I've already thrown several parties and had lots of friends over for movies or board games or cuddling. And gone to a gaming convention, and to the midnight premiere of the third Hobbit movie. Admittedly I didn't think it was all that great when it comes to doing the book justice, but I reserve the right to be excited about it anyway. Because that world means a lot to me.

That's all for now. Now I'm off to try and fix my sleep-schedule into something resembling sanity (for the millionth time, or so). I'll see you when I see you.

Me in my new home, with a couple of Middle-Earth maps.
Photo by this lovely person.

Love and home,
Winterdragon