Thursday, 28 July 2016


Jag stirrar på mina fötter och kan inte minnas varför jag har strumpor på mig. De känns bara som ett konstigt, onödigt skal som interfererar med min kontakt med marken. Jag spenderar en underbar dag i trevligt sällskap. Prioriterar långa samtal om kvällarna framför tillräckligt mycket sömn. Förundras över att jag lyckats gå till jobbet varje dag i snart tre veckor utan att bryta ihop av ångest en enda gång. Går till optikern för synundersökning, och får konstaterat att min syn har förbättrats sedan senast. Jag visste inte att det kunde hända. Men allting i livet går väl inte utför, som optikern sa.

Jag minns fina stunder. Pannkakor och äventyr. Längtar tillbaka, och till framtiden. Det kommer hända så många coola saker. Eller så kommer allting explodera. Antingen på ett ögonblick, eller så långsamt att en inte ens hinner reagera. Men jag skall träffa fina människor. Jag skall se Garmarna vars nya skiva jag nästan lyssnat sönder. Har inte hört en platta jag fallit för så fort och fullständigt sedan Sigur Rós släppte Kveikur. Jag skall se Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Jag skall skriva en jävla massa och jag skall jobba så fucking hårt och fokuserat att jag lyckas avsluta saker. 

Försöker stanna upp i nuet. Se mig omkring, vara glad över fotsulorna mot marken, över vatten mot pannan, över katter som jamar lyckligt när jag kommer hem. Försöker att inte mäta minuterna som rinner förbi alltför noggrant. Försöker vara en hygglig person trots att jag har känslor. Försöker att inte kapitulera inför omvärldens idioti. Försöker tillåta mig själv att hoppas trots att det gör lika ont varje gång jag blir besviken. Hur skall jag annars lyckas leva som om jag vore en bra människa?

Alla steg du tar skall jag vandra
Alla andetag skall jag andas
Vi lever på lånad tid
Så vi får aldrig stanna
Spränger alla gränser
Vi skall flyga aldrig landa

Kärlek och tankar,

Tuesday, 26 July 2016

Review: Gender Trouble

Gender Trouble Gender Trouble by Judith Butler
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Although somewhat impenetrable to a person with no background in either philosophy or social sciences, this was a very interesting read. I'm not sure what to think of the psychoanalytic argumentations, but the discussion about the concept of biological sex as a social construction I found especially intriguing. Not to mention the allusions to the power of language.

“Concepts, categories, and abstractions, [Monique Wittig] argues, can effect a physical and material violence against the bodies they claim to organize and interpret: "There is nothing abstract about the power that sciences and theories have to act materially and actually upon our bodies and minds, even if the discourse that produces it is abstract. It is one of the forms of domination, its very expression, as Marx said. I would say, rather, one of its exercises. All of the oppressed know this power and have had to deal with it." The power of language to work on bodies is both the cause of sexual oppression and the way beyond that oppression. Language works neither magically nor inexorably: "there is a plasticity of the real to language: language has a plastic action upon the real." Language assumes and alters its power to act upon the real through locutionary acts, which, repeated, become entrenched practices and, ultimately, institutions. The asymmetrical structure of language that identifies the subject who speaks for and as the universal with the male and identifies the female speaker as "particular" and "interested" is in no sense intrinsic to particular languages or to language itself. These asymmetrical positions cannot be understood to follow from the "nature" of men or women, for, as Beauvoir established, no such "nature" exists: "One must understand that men are not born with a faculty for the universal and that women are not reduced at birth to the particular. The universal has been, and is continually, at every moment, appropriated by men. It does not happen, it must be done. It is an act, a criminal act, perpetrated by one class against another. It is an act carried out at the level of concepts, philosophy, politics."”

Thought-provoking, to say the least! Queer feminism is some powerful shit.

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Thursday, 21 July 2016

Writing every day

To rid yourself of old patterns, focus all your energy not on struggling with the old, but on building the new.
— Dan Millman (Way of the Peaceful Warrior)

Good advice concerning any habit. Not doing things is way harder than doing other things instead. Right now I'm building the habit of keeping a daily diary. It's liberating and rewarding, being able to look back on your thoughts. I learn things about myself, and as a bonus become a better writer. I know all too well how difficult it is to get started—I've been trying for years to make this writing thing become more of a natural part of my life. But once you've established the habit you will find that it will feel strange, possibly even painful, to refrain from engaging in it. So after a while you will hardly even think about it any longer; it will just be another natural thing to do, much like eating or sleeping. I've found that what works for me is to carry a notebook with me at all times. That way I can write whenever inspiration strikes, and it becomes easier to make time for it. 

Just go ahead, if you've been meaning to do it. Stop making up excuses, just get a notepad and write. A word, a sentence, or a page. Even if it is just nonsense in the beginning, I promise that it will do you good in the long run. Try it out every day for a week, and then keep going if you like it. Then at least you can say that you have tried.

Love and writing,

Friday, 15 July 2016

I was a fallen angel

A week ago I was a fallen angel. It was awesome, being part of a legion propagating chaos throughout a world of elves, orcs, dragons, swords, bards and magic. And goodness knows what else. An epic love-story was in it for me, as well, now captured into a song. There were issues, sure, but to expect anything else at Sweden's biggest LARP with 600 participants would have been kind of naïve. It was the first time I went to a LARP together with a group, and they were so great. I have seldom felt so included.

Alpheratz, an angel who fell for love.

I learned a lot, too. Unfortunately all my real-world problems can't be solved through blood-sacrifice, but I got some ideas for survival strategies in a world where my very existence is cause enough for some people to want to have me eliminated. Reality already chafes, and I find myself longing back to the woods. Time to spread some well-needed chaos.

Love and chaos,

Tuesday, 12 July 2016

Midnight sun and snowy peaks

What is this? Work. A sun that sets at night. A soft bed, hot bath-water, no miles to go before sleep. Reality? I don't know. The mountains were real, and as always they made me feel so very much alive. I suppose it is good to be home, still I am torn by a fierce longing back to that place of timelessness. Where the sun never set, and where my feet would carry me through ever-changing valleys, with rivers running through them and snow-clad peaks standing guard on either side. Those mountains, that even when tired, wet and bruised always make it worth every excruciating step with their dazzling beauty. Even when I stand there on a barely snow-covered skree-slope with hundreds of metres to tumble to my death at the slightest misstep (or so my mind would make it out), with vertigo gnawing at my insides and on the brink of exhaustion, I happily curse their very existence:

Damn it, Nature! You're too gorgeous for your own damn good!

The last magnificent view on the way to the top, before the clouds rolled in.
Or my own good, rather. But I survived to tell this tale also, and to long for more adventures of hardship and tranquility. That's the third time I've scaled Sweden's highest mountain, and still I've had nothing but clouds for it. I guess that bastard of a mountain is just asking for me to come back to it. But never mind that, because the journey there was beautiful, and that is what really matters.

Waking up to a sight like this. I would never tire of it.

Love and mountains,

Sunday, 26 June 2016

Till Fjälls!

Off towards adventures! I have these mountains to investigate. Who knows what they look like underneath the snow? And under the midnight sun, nonetheless! Looking forward to a week of wilderness, and then another week of LARPing. Later, Reality!

The mountains are calling
And I must go

Expect me when you see me,

Thursday, 23 June 2016


Halvvägs till vintersolståndet! Nu blir det bara mörkare. Asyllagen går åt helvete, och jag sitter här och ser himlen ljusna och tänker på cirka tusen andra saker. Det är så lätt att vara upptagen med sin egen jävla framtid. Men allt hänger väl ihop på något plan. Det finns inga trygga rum, jag borde sluta inbilla mig det och fokusera på strategier för att överleva. Det ser så eftertänkt och ordningsamt ut när jag presenterar mina tankar på det här sättet, men i själva verket låter det mer i stil med

... för mycket som händer jag orkar inte klarar inte pallar inte trycket fastän jag både vill och inte vill. Fly. Bara bort från allt och alla men jag vill inte vara ensam vill bli konstruktiv men inte normal för normalitet är en myt vi är alla freaks ni bara låtsas höra ihop för att ni är rädda för att tänka och för att öppna era jävla sinnen.

Ni bad inte om en insikt i mina faktiska tankar, men nu fick ni det ändå. Världen tvingar ju på mig sina åsikter och patetiska tankar om mig hela tiden så då är det väl inte mer än rätt att jag återgäldar tjänsten. Seriously, om jag fick betalt varje gång jag fick höra "det hade jag aldrig trott om dig!" hade jag varit ekonomiskt oberoende. Är det så svårt att fatta att allt som ryms i en person omöjligen kan synas på ytan? Var lite jävla tacksam för det, dessutom. Om allt jag är skulle synas utanpå skulle ditt huvud explodera av att titta på mig.

Photo by Vilja

MEN TÄNK OM DU ÅNGRAR DIG. Ja, tänk om jag gör det. Om ett blogginlägg eller en tatuering eller alldeles för hög fart i en riktning som känns helt magiskt rätt gör att jag aldrig kommer kunna få ett jobb. Är det då mig det är fel på? Tänk om du ångrar dig, din jävel. Tänk om du ångrar att du aldrig levde. Och att du tog dig friheten att stampa runt på andras drömmar.

"I'm not the one with a problem. It's the world that seems to have a problem with me."
— Shrek

Bara för att klargöra att jag inte tänker skämmas längre. Det är ert skambeläggande som är skamligt, om vi nu skall prata om kontraproduktiva beteenden. Nä, fuck this shit. Glad midsommar, hedrade hemuler! Må ni någon gång i ert liv beskåda en månuppgång som får er att fullständigt tappa balansen.

Kärlek och kaos,

Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Is this the freedom I've heard so much about?

How do I put the past week into words? A dream, a journey, or an adventure? So much spontaneity, creativity, and love with such complete disregard for the future that the fear of it is temporarily kept at bay. I want to live more like this; just saying yes to things without pushing people away. What is responsibility, anyway? Is it enough just staying alive? If I only have myself to contend with, then what's the point of making it so bloody difficult? Why should it be unattainable just being good enough?

Go fuck yourself, reality. One day, when I'm done hiding, I'll get back at you. And then live on my own damn terms.

We better have a good explanation
For all the fun that we had
'Cause they are coming for us, babe
And they are going to be mad

Though nothing will drive them away
We can be Heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day

Love and adventures,

Thursday, 9 June 2016

Bare feet and glass splinters

Life goes on. Feelings abound. Down into the deepest trenches, up into and beyond the sky. All in just a few weeks' time. Somewhere within the pain and euphoria is the thing which keeps urging me on. So I keep walking. Keep running. My feet hardly hurt at all anymore. I guess their bare soles have adapted even to the coarsest gravel. And the world wasn't so full of glass splinters as I had imagined. What used to be pain is now just a welcome reminder that my body is a part of the world, and that no matter how it is perceived by others the only thing that really matters is that I can use it to put sweet, sweet distance behind me.

I wish I could harden my heart in the same way. Then maybe rejection and sorrow would be a heavy coat to shrug off rather than a bleeding hole in my soul. But I guess one must leave oneself open to pain if one is to remain open to joy. So if that's the price to pay for being able to fall in love over and over again I'll gladly take it. Happiness is all in the difference between the better and the worse, anyway. And if that makes me an emotion-junkie, then so be it. I'm not ready for zen.

I have a plan for the coming year. I'm going to learn how to write. In an actual school, not just by myself. I'll quit my job. Try to finish that master's degree. Strive to save up some money for dreams which have been laying around on a dusty old shelf for far too long. Keep running. And hopefully become more like a person I'd like to be.

I've found the secret to life
I'm okay when everything is not okay

Love and life,

Friday, 27 May 2016

Review: Dreamrider

Dreamrider Dreamrider by Barry Jonsberg
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A believable account of bullying, with a touch of the fantastic. An easy and captivating read, resonating profoundly with my tastes. Thoroughly recommended!

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