Thursday, 10 May 2018

Scaling inner mountains

Moving to a new place is a pretty effective self-check. This tendency to take on the same social role almost independent of which group one is in is a very strong force, but I've been making efforts to counteract it. Not that I've been trying to pose as someone I'm not, but rather the opposite. For most of my life I've had a habit of hiding behind a facade of shyness. Fear of rejection paradoxically leading me to reject myself, before anyone has a chance to get the impression that I'm a person with thoughts who actually have things to say.

Because I do have thoughts, and fairly often manage to come up with things with which to contribute to discussions. Lifetime habits die hard, however, and there are a number of obstacles to overcome. For example:
  • My tendency to immediately shut up if someone interrupts me, and then spend the rest of the conversation sulking in the conviction that clearly nobody is interested in what I have to say. This is just a habit that needs breaking, I suppose, and I have become better at reclaiming the word, even if it takes waving my arms in frustration and right-out telling people to shut up at times.
  • Fear of estrangement or ridicule for voicing an unpopular opinion. This one I still stick to unless someone outright asks for my opinion, or someone keeps saying exceptionally stupid or provoking things. I guess it's cowardly of me, and probably unhealthy to some degree, but I've been estranged from too many groups because of my supposedly radical opinions that I'd rather lay low with some parts of me than risk complete loneliness. I'm slowly learning to open up more in the company of friends who I trust won't abandon me, but with new people? Not so much.
  • Conversations moving so darn fast. Quite often I do think of something interesting to add to the discussion, but before I've managed to get a word in edgewise, the conversation has moved on so well past the topic that what would have been a witty comment or an amusing anecdote or a fascinating question has become misplaced, passé or obsolete. Seriously, how do people manage to keep up? I take mental notes on things I could have said, and find that at best maybe one thing in four gets said. Although if the conversation topic is something I know a lot about or am ridiculously enthusiastic about, the odds are of course a bit better.
On the other hand, I find myself doing pretty cool things such as (at least sometimes) actually correcting people who misgender me, patiently explaining the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation (without compromising my integrity all that much), and even telling people off for making sexist remarks above my head or even to my face. Not too eloquently, perhaps, but promptly and irritatedly. And I've talked to my boss about things I've found uncomfortable instead of internalising rage that proved to be justified. So I guess at least in some respects I've leveled up the skill of standing my own ground.

Plus, I've been working almost full-time (both hours and physical level of activity being far beyond what I'm used to) for over a month now, without having had a single nervous breakdown. I've had bad feelings, sure, but I've allowed them to possess me and before very long they've passed on their merry way. And the biggest thing of all: I've ever so slowly started to make friends with solitude again. That's a thing that used to be the most natural thing in the world for me, but which abandoned me completely when bad things happened a few years ago. It's a little early to dance a jig, but I have a distinct feeling that long-time missing parts of me are beginning to fall back into place.

All in all, it's doing me a lot of good to be here. I'm also reminded of how sorely I've missed travels long enough to make myself another home, which is why I'm ecstatic about getting to work here in the summer as well. Social difficulties be damned, I really do feel like I belong here.

If nothing else, mountain peak-climbs do a hell of a lot
to boost the self-confidence and general joy of life.

Love and mountains yet to climb,

Monday, 7 May 2018

For the dark to have its way

Tonight is not a night for happy endings
Tonight is for the dark to have its way
Tonight I think I finally will end things
I have to go before the sky turns grey

I’ve walked this road before, I know its bendings
I’ve had my highs, and now I have to pay
My soles have worn so thin they’re mostly mendings
I’m sick of words, I have no more to say

Yet still I yearn to pierce the world’s pretendings
Perhaps I’ll find it in my heart to stay
I have to write my stories proper endings
I think I’ll make it through another day

And when the day is through I’ll trust the dark
To hold for me a space to light a spark

Poem written in collaboration with my subconscious. Woke up at an ungodly hour with a few of these lines rattling around in my head, rhyming and in meter and all. Then spent half a sleepless night finishing the thing. I don't think I've managed to shape an entire sonnet in my head before, but I guess there's a first time for everything. So, yeah. Apparently I've started writing sonnets in my sleep. I guess it might be time to send help.

Love and dark,

Saturday, 14 April 2018

All is well

This view greets me after work every morning.
I get to go skiing for miles and miles...
... amidst MOUNTAINS

Just an update to show that I'm alive and well. So, so well. I'm positively thriving. Work is psysically exhausting but I hardly have to use my brain at all. It is a very welcome change from far too many years of the other way around. Working night shifts suits me just fine; I have no trouble sleeping during the day, and the general lower pace of activity during the dark hours is soothing for my easily-overwhelmed psyche. Also, going out to shovel snow and being met by a blazing rideau of aurora... lesser sights have moved me to tears.

I've pretty much settled into things by now. Work is tiring, but not more than I can handle, and now that I'm having a few free days I'm taking the opportunity to ski, read, write, hang out with people, and just breathe the amazing air. All in all being here is doing wonders for my sanity. Avoiding the internet as best as I can contributes to this, so if you don't mind I'll go back to doing just that now. And if you do mind... well, sucks to be you.

Love and snow,

Wednesday, 4 April 2018

The mountains are calling, and I must go

Sometimes dreams descend upon you rather unexpectedly. Here I was set on trying to find part-time work as a teacher while investing myself in an undoubtedly unhealthy amount of hobbies and creative projects. Then a couple of days ago, more or less out of the blue, I got offered a job at a ski resort in one of the most beautiful places on Earth. What can I do but drop everything and travel way up North?

Keep my promises and let this opportunity pass on by, obviously. But seeing as my dearest ones all encouraged me to go and forgave the broken promises in advance: here I am. Chasing a dream through my mother's footsteps, that my heart had nearly given up on. A dream of snow, and mountains, and possibly even inner peace.

So here we go again with the adventures. I am on a journey towards the distance, but in a way I am really going home.

What's that stir, so blatant in our sallying hearts?
What's that urge, that lifted up our longing eyes?
What's that ring, echoing from the leaden skies?
What's that augur, resounding from the lyre's strings?

Love and adventure,

Friday, 9 March 2018

The missing parts of me

I found the missing parts of me
Inside the landscape of my dream
Far be it from me to forget
That me and all the Earth is one
So through this world I will go on
While Sun and Moon will rise and set
Inside the landscape of my dream
I found the missing parts of me

What does it take to be good enough?

Is it so strange that I find myself asking that question today, of all days? International Women's Day, smash-the-patriarchy day, and on top of it all I have been out of work for an entire week now. There are so many things I ought to be doing. Applying for more jobs, catching up on housework, replying to e-mails, texts and facebook-messages, being more ambitious about participating in manifestations, partying all night, seizing the fucking day...

And what am I doing? Sleeping a hell of a lot, mostly. Seriously, I could enter a sleeping-contest against my cat with a chance of winning right now. My body sure seems to be needing it after all the stress and whatnot. Also reading books. Apparently I've read 25 books so far this year. That's an insane pace even by my standards, and considering the fact that I use reading as a means of stress-reduction, this ought to be a sign of something.

Also skiing. Winter came at last, and the sodden, half-melted mass of white is a pretty sorry excuse for snow, but it is enough to finally go skiing. And so I've done. Slowly, with a blissful grin on my face, creating a poem (such as the one above) or two as I go along.

And you know what? Spending some time in re-generation mode is so goddamned good enough. Don't you dare guilt-trip me, or anyone, for taking care of themselves at the cost of productivity. Pfah. I'm busy as fuck producing happiness and forgiveness and other essentials.

This Not Giving A Fuck-thing is coming along pretty well. With time for really allowing myself to feel whatever my body harbours, and for tracing every fear to its origin, and not least with friends encouraging me to do so, a monumental change in my psyche is falling into place. It could even be that inner peace is up on the horizon.

Love and inner peace,

Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Om du bara visste

Jag hittade min gamla blogg härom dagen. Den finns fortfarande där ute på internätet om en vet var en skall leta. Tänk att det var över tio år sedan jag började blogga. Den som skriver påminner om mig på många sätt, ibland pinsamt mycket, men är också ganska mycket mer av en idiot än vad jag tror mig vara nu. Säkert kommer jag tänka samma sak om dessa skriverier om ytterligare tio år. Om jag skulle skicka ett brev till mig då så skulle jag skriva så här:

Kära sjuttonåring,

Om du bara visste. Om du bara visste vem du skall bli, och vad du skall vara med om. Så mycket glädje och så mycket smärta du har framför dig. Så mycket du har att lära dig. Så mycket du fortfarande kommer ha kvar att lära dig om tio år.

Vet du vad en av dina bästa egenskaper är? Att du är så öppensinnig. Det sa en person som älskar dig idag. En person du inte har träffat än, men som kommer att fullständigt ta dig med storm. Du kommer träffa fler sådana människor än du trodde var möjligt.

Släpp in dem. Det värsta du kan göra mot dig själv är att bygga murar runt ditt hjärta. Ja, du kommer bli sårad, men vad som spelar roll i längden är vad du gör efteråt. Försök vara lite mindre av en självisk idiot för varje misstag du gör så kommer du bli en fantastiskt fin människa.

Men glöm inte bort dig själv. Sluta döma dig själv så hårt, och sluta låta dig kvävas av stress, annars kommer det sätta djupa spår i ditt psyke. Jag vet, det är inte lätt. Du kommer kanske aldrig att sluta vilja för mycket. Men livet ordnar sig fastän du inte hinner allt.

Och sinnesfrid ligger redan och väntar i ditt hjärta, även om det kommer dröja länge innan du fattar att denna insikt är precis vad som väntar på andra sidan äventyren. Du är fin. Du är bra. Du är älskad. Och du är aldrig någonsin ensam.

Kramar från ditt framtida jag

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Som en ångvält utan handbroms i nedförsbacke

Jävlar vad jag är positiv och gör en massa saker! Men det sitter någon slags demon innanför mina revben och liksom gnager på mitt hjärta. Den gör kroppen tung och sinnet oroligt. Det skall inte kännas så nästan jämt. Men jag har insett bortom alla tvivel nu att min inre stress inte bara beror på yttre omständigheter. Den finns där även när det inte finns något konkret att vara stressad över.

Det är alldeles för lätt att hitta på förklaringar till en diffus känsla och intala sig att så fort det eller det har löst sig, eller så fort jag har gjort det eller det, så kommer allt att kännas lugnt. Men det funkar ju inte så. Jag vill kunna uppleva lugn mer eller mindre oberoende av mina yttre omständigheter. Det har gått ett bra tag sedan det rådde konstant krisläge i mitt liv, ändå tycks jag ha så svårt att koppla av.

Jag brukar säga att jag aldrig har tråkigt, men det är kanske för att jag inte låter mig själv ha det. Ständigt sysselsätter jag mig med stimulerande saker, om inte i praktiken så löper fantasin och kreativiteten amok i tankarna. Kanske behöver jag lära mig att ta pauser från det.

Men hur? Att bli eremit på ett berg är inte riktigt ett alternativ. Jag vill liksom kunna leva något som inte vore helt olikt ett rimligt liv, utan att känna den här ständiga hetsen. Visst motiveras jag av lust i mycket av det jag gör, men när jag kommer på mig själv med att engagera mig i saker bara för att inte göra andra besvikna har det gått åt helvete för långt.

Jag trodde att stressen mer eller mindre skulle släppa av sig själv när läget blev lugnare, men tydligen inte. Jag vaknar fortfarande ofta med hjärtklappning och en känsla av undergång, även om jag vet att jag kommer klara det arbete jag tar mig för, att jag snart kommer få träffa någon i vars sällskap jag inte behöver låtsas, och att det egentligen finns väldigt få saker som jag måste göra. 

Det är som att stressen har byggt bo i min kropp och vägrar att släppa taget. Kanske skall det vara så här, kanske gnäller jag över ingenting. Jag är ju uppenbarligen fantastiskt funktionell jämfört med hur det har varit i en del kassa perioder. Jag jobbar, jag producerar kreativa saker, jag upprätthåller till någon grad ett socialt liv, min kropp förfaller inte. Men nej, jag vägrar. Om livet går ut på att tvångsmässigt uträtta det ena stordådet eller trivialiteten efter den andra med tankar som maler på som en ångvält utan handbroms i en nedförsbacke, då vill jag inte vara med längre.

Jag vill kunna bara existera, själv och i sällskap av andra, utan att den där demonen viskar mig skuldkänslor, med munnen full av hjärtmuskel och med klorna envist inborrade i mina lungor. Att säga nej lite oftare, det vore najs. Till både mig själv och andra. Och att sluta bry mig så förbannat jävla mycket.

Kärlek och det löser sig för fan,

Wednesday, 24 January 2018

Survival strategies

There will come a time when there'll be nothing but survival on my mind
and it's coming up soon, it's coming up now I can feel it
And I want you to feel, I want you to know
that I really can't make it on my own
no, not this time

Help me wash this from my mind, help me get through this alive
Splash my soul with a splendour of colour
Let us talk through all this time, painting stars upon our minds
Let's create a vibrant Universe between us

Keep reminding me to breathe, hold me close when I am weak
Let us walk as far as our legs will take us
Let me share what's on your mind, share the love and pain you find
Let us write a fairytale without an ending

Help me turn the world around, by mere inches at a time
Lift my spirit up with music sung together
Let us dance and let us play, let us love the night away
Let us find the key to life in union
and creation

Love and friendship,

Monday, 8 January 2018

Review: Imajica by Clive Barker

ImajicaImajica by Clive Barker

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Of all the books which have ever spoken to me, this one shot straight up among my absolute favourites. Deliciously transgressive in the ideas it conveys, this story has profound things to say about sex, love, gender, death, gods and magic. In exquisite language, the book alternated between raising the hairs on my back, making me cry out of joy, depriving me of breath in anticipation, and tugging at my heart in anguish, throughout its entirety of 800+ pages. Revelation is not too strong a word to describe my experience reading this.

View all my reviews

Tuesday, 2 January 2018


Happy new year from Scotland! I'm having a pretty excellent time. There is change and hope and sacredness up on the horizon. Here's to surviving another one.

Love and adventure,